Back to the bottom

I am aware of the hypocrisy of posting only when I feel the need to vent, or when things get hard, or when I’m down and can’t see any other way out. Sort of a cry for help from the deepest, darkest parts of an isolated and completely uninhabited forest. It seems pretty stupid to me, and more so the more I type this, but I’m doing it anyway (obviously NOT the first or last stupid thing I have done/will do).

I am in a hazy dreamlike state, drifting from near-suicidal depression to a dull ache like bad music in my head that I can’t stop. I don’t see any way out that doesn’t involve more of the same for the foreseeable future. I am filled with impotent rage and fury, and there is nothing that will make it better except time, or (dim hope prevails, even when all other lights go out, it seems) maybe the choice of someone else. At any rate, I am as helpless as a piece of wreckage from a ship, tossed in a storm.

Ugh, even my metaphors suck now. I think that’s all I will say. Sorry for just spraying bile and running away, if anyone is listening. Maybe if I survive this I can make it up to you.

The rules for today:
* survival is victory (don’t hope for more)
*fight your way through it (thanks for the lyric, Slipknot/Richard Cheese)
*try to remember the social contract (your friends have to be protected from this)
*comfort with yourself can be enough (but don’t drink alone)

-N

Advertisement